Wisp of Past Hardship (Winter 2011)

It's been a long time since I really have felt the need to write. I guess it isn't until you are truly alone then you start to turn inwards. Today was the official last day of my college life. At least it feels like it. The end of a career forum for Japanese bilinguals who are currently studying abroad in the US, or who are still in their undergrad in Japan. I don't fit either of those categories, but since there is no career forum for Americans who know a little bit of Japanese and want to work in Japan, I figured I would try my best to land something.

It was quite the spectacle. Boston has swarms of Japanese youths in suits riding the T in the morning and evening and booking all of the hostels. If I could one day I would like to make a documentary about the whole thing for western countries because it is all unbelievable.

The companies who participate fall into two big categories, first are Japanese companies who are looking for bilingual hires to help their companies move slowly towards globalization. And second, huge international corporations like investment banks, internet giants like Google and Amazon etc. These companies want people who can communicate with headquarters in America yet speak perfect Japanese to clients from the Japan branch office. I don't fall into either of these categories. To add to my disadvantage, many companies recruit out of college, so those of us who have already graduated are out of luck. Surprisingly enough I never really heard anyone tell me that it would be a problem that I would need visa sponsorship.

What I did hear a lot of was "we require a high level of Japanese proficiency" or "we look for near native speakers". It hurts. It hurts to be told that you are not good enough for something. Have you ever been told that you are too stupid to work somewhere, or you are too ugly? I feel like that right now. Or when you applied for colleges, but got rejected because your GPA or SATs werent high enough. It's amazing how many barriers we have put up in our society to stop people from succeeding. Is it all necessary?

I know it's not the same, language is a skill just like programming, would you hire someone who only knows C++ to program medical software? Of course not. It just hurts that how ever much I think I am improving, it is never enough.

Calm Wisp

It's a little scary when one reaches of state of extreme calm. Paradoxical? Maybe.. But there are times in which I sleep so much that nothing in the real world seems to reach me. I feel like I am floating in motionless water. A calm without any ripples. The frightening part is feeling of complacency and apathy that engulfs. Do nothing, just float...

Rejection Wisp

Rejection is something everyone deals with during their life. It is unfortunately a part of this crazy human society that we have built up for our self. Of course Many people could argue that rejection is just a part of the survival of the fittest. That it is at the very core of things, the competition for mates that leads to the phenomenon of rejection.


Rejection is poison. It destroys confidence so completely that many times it is hard to ever try again. Putting yourself in a situation where you can get rejected is one of the most courageous things anyone can do. Applying for colleges for one, applying for jobs, applying to study abroad or for scholarships. All require you to put so much effort into the application process, not only time and effort, but most valuable: hope. Rejection hurts the most when you are hopeful for success, or when you need that success more than anything.

When rejection hits, it is so much easier to just make that the last attempt at aiming higher. But as soon as you stop trying is when you really fail. There are many roads in life, sure there are easier paths to take, and it sucks when you get robbed of that opportunity. But take the long road and be proud of how far you have come when you look back.

I learned of an apache saying (I think it is apache) "The future is hard to see through teary eyes".

Communication Wisp

Ever felt like you can't really communicate with someone? There is nothing more intimate than being able to communicate with someone in more than one language. This doesn't have to a spoken language, it could be through music, dance, sports, academics etc. I just personally have experience with others languages, so I like this passage:

" You know, my dad's right; I don't like any Japanese and I dislike Japanese policemen the most. But still, I really like you." Kannani held Ryuuji's face between her two hands and seemed to look directly into his face:
'The Korean word tangshin means 'you.' Learn Korean, just like I can speak Japanese. then we'll be able to talk mixing both Korean and Japanese. We'll talk about what happened to us at school, what's going on all over the world, and lots of other stuff!'"
-Kannani by Yuasa Katsuei translated by Mark Driscoll page 53

やっぱり、コミュニケーションは大切

Racial Wisp

A quote from Black Skin, White Masks by Frantz Fanon

" Out of the blackest part of my soul, through the zone of hachures, surges up this desire to be suddenly white.
I want to be recognized not as Black, but as White.
But- and this is the form of recognition that Hegel never described-who better than the white woman to bring this about? By loving me, she proves to me that I am worthy of a white love. I am loved like a white man.
I am a white man.
Her love opens the illustrious path that leads to total fulfilment...

I espouse white culture, white beauty, white whiteness.
Between these white breasts that my wandering hands fondle, white civilization and worthiness become mine." (Fanon page 45)

The wisp with not enough magic

I have a lot of things to do, as do many people in this world. But I feel like I can't do as much as some people without getting extremely tired. Last week was the first full week of school and it was craziness for me. School didn't go very late and I have no part time job, so why don't I have time to do everything? Homework wasn't over whelming but I felt so tired by the end of the day that I slept or just lazed around. The day ended and I started again. Last week I was supposed to write many cover letters for some internships I want to apply for but I did none of that. It is Sunday night now and though I was determined to write at least two, I only got part of one written (not very well) and yet I feel tired and want to go to bed. There are some people in this world who can function on 5 hours of sleep and work all through the day. I am so envious of those types, and would love to do that, but if I tried I am sure that my body would fall apart.

I wish I knew where my planner was. I feel like my life would suddenly get so much more organized if I had that.

I feel like the N64 that is set up in my living room is a horrible distraction. I wish that when I wanted to relax, I would read a book or listen to some music or something enlightened like that. But of course I turn to video games. Reading uses my brain too I suppose, and when I rest I just want to turn off my mind. I don't like that though, I want to change that habit.

What else? There are a lot talented writers out there, I have seen a couple blogs that are really nice. I wonder where they get the time to write like that. Or maybe they are just so talented that it comes out quickly.

I found this on youtube and I like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnAYsWH6QbU&feature=player_embedded

Parties aren't fun when I am sober. Especially not fun when I piss everyone off.

The ear plugs that I like to buy switched materials I think and they are not the same.

Recently my dreams have just been repeats of what happens in real life. I wonder if I am losing my imagination. That would be really depressing.

Maybe I have diabetes

I am seeing people differently recently. Which is nice, but it is also frightening me. I think that means that I am changing. A few key actors in my life have been displaying behavior that is unpredictable and unexpected making me realize that I tend to assume I know how everyone is going to act.

Once Again Wisp

I cannot believe that it has been six months since I last wrote in this blog. Just as many blogs out there in this world, it was started with so much promise yet forgotten so quickly. Thank you to Misa for being such a faithful blogger, it has reminded me of the joy I once got from writing here.
Needless to say, much has happened since I last wrote, so much that I don't think I can write about it with much accuracy anymore. Currently my life is in partitions just like I mentioned in my first posting. In fact presently I feel like my mind and my spirit is even more divided than last year. But the most frightening part is I think I am getting really good at it. As I learn more languages and more cultures I feel strangely smug as I know I can easily run away from my reality into a fantasy world where not many people can follow me. If I get sick of Japanese, I can run to Spanish, if I get sick of Spanish I can run to Korean. Granted I don't know much Korean, but the cinema class I have been taking allows me to enter into Korean culture all the same. I have started to read fantasy books which I haven't done in forever and I am loving every moment of it. It just offers me another way to escape from reality. This is all very unhealthy I know, nobody should be this removed from the real world, and I know in the back of my mind that there is very important things that I should and want to be doing. So once again I am going to start school, and once again I am going to write in this blog about random inspiring things that I fail to mention in everyday conversation. I need to stop letting all of these wisps escape me.